I love each of my kids equally. Truly, I have no favorite. They are a product of the love that flows between me and their dad. And while all of this is true about how I feel toward my kids, each relationship is different. Complicated. Respectful. Distant. Fun. Withdrawn. Easy. Transparent.
Our interactions run the gamut based on each child and their perception of me, their trust in me, their willingness to choose me and confide in me. Right or wrong, to a large extent, I often follow my child’s lead for the frequency of interaction. I do text. I send things that remind me of them. I freely tell them of my love and how proud I am of them. I ask Spirit often to show me ways to remain connected across distance and time. I check in periodically to see what they need, to make sure they know I’m available and thinking of them. But now that they’re adults, I’m committed to allowing them to lead the dance. I choose not to force or make them feel obligated to be in relationship with me. They owe me nothing - not gratitude, not time, not visits, not call. Any giving they extend is all a gift. I want to honor the fact that the dynamics have changed now that they are adults.
Sadly this means sometimes I don’t know the adult version of my children as well as I’d like to, but even the unknowing does not change my fierce love or championing of their person.
My heart doesn’t swell as a response to their choosing, my heart swells because they are mine. Am I elated with their gifting of self, of time? Absolutely. But their actions or inactions don’t deflate me or disappoint me. There is no condition which changes the swell of my heart when it comes to my children. None.
I see them. I believe strongly in each one of them, and yes, I will fight to the death to defend them. They and Doug are pretty much the end of my belief in nonviolence (I admit I’m a work in progress).
I didn’t have children to meet a need. I didn’t have children to fulfill some unrequited egoic desire. I didn’t have children because I wanted to create beings who would fall down and worship me, sacrifice their life to serve me. The beauty of extending the love that flows between Doug and I is the perpetuation of mutuality. The sound of laughter continuing through the years. The shared history, the passing of treasured memories. The belief in the goodness of one another. The sacred circle where one can be held, supported, seen and known. If no one else has me, I know they do. This is the gift of family - healed family, broken people working through their own ish to encourage one another in the pursuit of wholeness.
Truly, this is the gift of God. All I want to be to my children is exactly what Divine Love is to me - home, trust, comfort, belonging, anchor, utter belief in my goodness and humanity, unconditional acceptance, freedom. This is the Father who loves me. The One who runs to meet me. This is the Sacred Mother who draws me to Her breast and welcomes me. Anything less is not an accurate picture of God as parent. May we come to see and be the expression of Love that is filled with Grace and Truth.
