My mom said tonight, "I hope you get to the point where one day you will love coming home." I'm not a liar and I strive to be as authentic and true to me as I know to be, so I said nothing. But inside I was thinking, yea, that will never happen and seriously, before I could finish the thought in my heart, she said, "You know people change." And again, I was quiet. She was right. What could I really say to that?
I walked out of her room and thought about us, thought about that moment. Why is it that we hold the people closest to us hostage to their worse version of themselves? Why do we allow the pain of our past to be the base through which we judge every present moment? How would I even know if she's changed if all I remember is who she used to be (or more accurately, who I perceived her to be)?
I sat quietly for a while, beating myself up and then I heard the sweetest dose of encouragement from a still small voice. She said, "Girl, buck up a bit. You've made some progress. Life doesn't change overnight. It's an incremental process. Be kind to you. You're here. You're showing up. You're opening up. Start there."
In that moment, I was reminded that the intellect of pain is a bad place to process life from and guilt is like a vortex. It will spiral you down into a negative space. Thankfully, there are other options that staying in my head or succumbing to guilt. I can own the parts of my mom's words that were true and the parts of me that are true and begin with truth.
Truth is light filled and leads to reconciliation. Embracing truth deepens our courage. No, I'm not quite at the place where I'm over the heels in love with the idea of coming "home", but I'm courageous enough to show up.
There's a place of convergence in the pain of your past and your now. A place that is full of invitation to open up to the tender moments and embrace truth with courage. Buck up a bit. You got this.
Good thoughts. I think where this gets hardest for me is when you share your heart with someone in the hopes that they have changed. So you give them the opportunity to respond to your true self and then they show themselves to be the same as always - how do you consistently open yourself up to the possibility that they might have changed without causing more hurt? My grandparents are these people for me, and they're so damaging and hurtful but I know I want that relationship if I can help it get to a healthy place. But I also need boundaries. So I try to open up, give them a chance to respond to me differently every few months, and when they don't, its hard because I know they are missing out on what could truly be a beautiful relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Mary, not sure if you were just expressing this place in your heart and needing a listening ear to hear it or if you were hoping for a response with guidance. Since my natural bent tends to be towards "fixing things", I'll attempt to soak my words with tons of grace and just share some things that were helpful for me in a similar relationship: 1) I read Matt. 18:21-35 with new lenses and realized that if Jesus is the King of kings then I am the king in the story and not the servant asking for compassion. But in reading the parable with myself as the king, I placed my mom as the servant. And I realized that I had been demanding repayment from my mom, expecting her to love me and parent me in a way that she, herself had no emotional capacity to do. And in seeing the unhealed places in her damaged by the pain and destruction of someone else who was also perpetuating this cycle of pain and wounding, it filled me with a heap load of compassion and empathy toward her. But even more importantly, it changed my expectations. Each encounter, I'd go back needing her to respond to me in a certain way and when she didn't, I was heartbroken all over again. 2) Fully seeing this for what it is gave me such mercy for my mom and myself. Finally, I could go and be present and enjoy her without expecting her to be anything different than who she is. I released the picture of what relationship with my mom was supposed to look like and accepted what is. 3) I also realized that if I close my heart in fear of pain, I also close it to love. Unfortunately, there's no way to protect yourself against the risk of being heart broken. But there is a way to live with our hearts wide open trusting in the One who mends broken hearts and restores us when we do experience pain. And into His hands, we can commit our lives fully. Grace and peace to you as you navigate this relationship.
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